Eva’s Challenges, pt. 2 – Check My Baggage vol. 1

If someone who is in their mid-twenties or beyond tries to tell you that they have no emotional relationship baggage, they are lying to you.  We all carry around a little baggage, whether it be something easily ported about in your wallet or a full set that includes steamer trunks that require bellboy assistance, we all have it.  Maybe it’s due to relationships past, maybe it’s due to a lack of relationships, hell, maybe it’s due to your parents’ relationship, but it’s definitely there.
 
We have all be rejected, hurt, lied to, abused, taken for granted, abandoned, or emotionally scarred.  I am no different.
 
If I had to name the moment I began collecting baggage I would say it was when I was attacked by a friend of mine the summer after grade nine.  This guy was had been a senior that year, and we had been in several plays together over the term.  During the productions we had always spent time together with the cast, but never one on one.  That summer he was moving and needed boxes, so I mentioned that I had a large box from the stereo I’d just purchased.  Today I would have alarm bells going off in my head if a male was making certain that there was no one else home prior to coming over, but at the age of fifteen I didn’t see the warning signs.  When he threw me onto the bed, pinned me by my wrists, began dry humping me, and licking my face it became clear why he’d wanted to make sure I was alone.  He tried to get my shorts off and I began screaming that my parents were coming home right away.  Thankfully, that got him off of me and running out the door.
 
The physical damage from that incident left me with bruising on my wrists and pelvis, but the emotional damage was much deeper.  It took me years to talk about it.  To look at it in print it doesn’t seem like much happened, but a person I considered a friend had attacked me.  A male friend.  Despite looking small he was incredibly strong, and I knew that if he hadn’t made the choice to leave that day he could have physically forced me into anything he wished.  Who could I trust to be what they appeared to be?  Monsters could be found in unlikely places, and I definitely didn’t know how to deal with that.
 
It took me almost four years until I could actually relax enough to fall asleep in the presence of a male, even the ones I dated.  It took another 3 years until someone could grab my wrists without me going into full panic mode.  I have never had a one night stand because there is no way I could ever trust a man enough to go home with him after a single night of knowing each other.  If I’m not in a group, I won’t go to the home of a male without having known him for a substantial period of time.  I’m hyper-cautious, which most people would say is smart, but I know that there are very deep fears that cause my cautiousness.  Smart is one thing, fearful is another.

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One Response to Eva’s Challenges, pt. 2 – Check My Baggage vol. 1

  1. You are both brave and courageous for sharing your story. Thank you.

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