Cost-Benefit Analysis of a Date

Traditional cost-benefit analysis starts here - we're not traditional.

My friend Jillian and I are soul mates.  I truly believe that one of us was supposed to be born a man (probably me) so we could populate the earth with our awesome children.

This past weekend Jillian met a captain, a boat captain, with a beard.  I’m not kidding.  I thought she was fucking with me when she wrote me to share the news.  She has since agreed to go on a date with Captain Beard.  Yesterday she wrote me explaining she was doing a cost-benefit analysis of going on a date with him and asked for my help in coming up with potential costs and benefits.  Specifically, this was her email:

I am going to send Captain Beard a cost benefit analysis for our strange first date.

I need it to be funny.

I have added the cost that I could be human trafficked, the car rental etc.

What would be a funny generic first date cost benefit…. ??? Or is funny the sort of inside jokes stuff?

I should add that the whole human trafficking joke comes from my mother who never fails to warn me that when I go on vacation, should I get on a boat of any variety I WILL become a victim of human trafficking.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  If you own a boat and invite a girl onto your boat, you are involved in human trafficking.  Fact.  Thank you Mrs. Roads.

Here is what I managed to come up with in my response:

Time costs –

  • Time to shave
  • Time to pick out the appropriate outfit (and perhaps a cost buy a new outfit, if an appropriate one isn’t at hand)
  • Time to do your hair/makeup 

Other costs –

  • Cost of being human trafficked – this includes quality of life, loss of career and family/friends
  • Cost of transportation to the date
  • Cost of food/drink on the date in case he’s too cheap to pick up your tab
  • Cost of his food/drink in case he’s a bum and forgets his wallet
  • Cost of cover up and moisturizer for your upper lip if his stubble rubs your face so much you get a rash (this may only be a concern on my dates, but I suggest you factor it in)
  • Cost of therapy should this guy be a total mind fuck
  • Cost of a cab to get him out of your place in the morning

Benefits –

  • Could get laid
  • Could be that he loves eating the kitty cat way more than any other guy in the whole wide world
  • Could have a great time
  • Could laugh a lot… at a minimum, this is an ab workout
  • He could take you somewhere where there’s great food.  Great food is good.
  • Could get a free meal out of it – who doesn’t like a free meal?
  • He could have a big hammer (and know how to use it)
  • Could hit him up for a goodnight massage instead of a good night kiss (who doesn’t love a good massage?)
  • Could end up on a boat, bitch!
  • He might have cute animals living in his beard that you can befriend

What other costs/benefits did we miss?

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2 Responses to Cost-Benefit Analysis of a Date

  1. Charlotte says:

    Very interesting. I think that if he loves to eat the kitty cat and he has a giant hammer, it would effectively wipe out the need for therapy should things end badly and would make up for all the time spent shaving, picking out an appropriate outfit, and time/effort spent on hair and makeup worth it. But maybe that’s just me 🙂

    Great post!

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