My friend Jillian and I are soul mates. I truly believe that one of us was supposed to be born a man (probably me) so we could populate the earth with our awesome children.
This past weekend Jillian met a captain, a boat captain, with a beard. I’m not kidding. I thought she was fucking with me when she wrote me to share the news. She has since agreed to go on a date with Captain Beard. Yesterday she wrote me explaining she was doing a cost-benefit analysis of going on a date with him and asked for my help in coming up with potential costs and benefits. Specifically, this was her email:
I am going to send Captain Beard a cost benefit analysis for our strange first date.
I need it to be funny.
I have added the cost that I could be human trafficked, the car rental etc.
I should add that the whole human trafficking joke comes from my mother who never fails to warn me that when I go on vacation, should I get on a boat of any variety I WILL become a victim of human trafficking. No ifs, ands, or buts. If you own a boat and invite a girl onto your boat, you are involved in human trafficking. Fact. Thank you Mrs. Roads.
Here is what I managed to come up with in my response:
Time costs –
- Time to shave
- Time to pick out the appropriate outfit (and perhaps a cost buy a new outfit, if an appropriate one isn’t at hand)
- Time to do your hair/makeup
Other costs –
- Cost of being human trafficked – this includes quality of life, loss of career and family/friends
- Cost of transportation to the date
- Cost of food/drink on the date in case he’s too cheap to pick up your tab
- Cost of his food/drink in case he’s a bum and forgets his wallet
- Cost of cover up and moisturizer for your upper lip if his stubble rubs your face so much you get a rash (this may only be a concern on my dates, but I suggest you factor it in)
- Cost of therapy should this guy be a total mind fuck
- Cost of a cab to get him out of your place in the morning
- Could get laid
- Could be that he loves eating the kitty cat way more than any other guy in the whole wide world
- Could have a great time
- Could laugh a lot… at a minimum, this is an ab workout
- He could take you somewhere where there’s great food. Great food is good.
- Could get a free meal out of it – who doesn’t like a free meal?
- He could have a big hammer (and know how to use it)
- Could hit him up for a goodnight massage instead of a good night kiss (who doesn’t love a good massage?)
- Could end up on a boat, bitch!
- He might have cute animals living in his beard that you can befriend
What other costs/benefits did we miss?