Breaking the News of a Bro Code Violation

Remember how when my relationship with Jack started I mentioned that he was a friend of my ex?  That is, in fact, how Jack and I met – through Ian.

 As things got more serious with Jack, it came out that neither one of us had let Ian in on the fact that we were together (oops!).  Jack admitted that he’d thought about emailing Ian multiple times before and after we’d kicked off our relationship but hadn’t yet found the words to let him in on what was going on.  Ian had left the country – never to return again – so it was a difficult call as to whether he really deserved a heads up.  It wasn’t like Jack was encroaching on protected soil (you can’t argue you’re staking claim territory from across the Atlantic – look how well that turned out for the English).

 I was pretty happy leaving well enough alone, but Jack and I were about to take our first vacation together.  This prompted a flurry of questions from my best friend about whether or not Ian had been updated on the current situation.  When I explained he hadn’t, and I didn’t think that was a huge deal cause he was far far away and had never been interested in any form of commitment she freaked out. 

 “What?  You need to tell him!  You need to have told him 5 minutes ago!”  she exclaimed.  “What happens when he sees pics of you and Jack on vacation together on Facebook!?  He’ll freak!” 

 Firstly, I’ve never seen Ian freak about anything.  Secondly, I didn’t see the urgency, nor did I really see the requirement.  To clear up the great chasm between my thoughts on the matter and hers, I asked a few other people and it appeared there was no middle ground between “you need to tell him as soon as humanly possible” and “meh, I wouldn’t bother.”

 It wasn’t until I brought the question to my friend TJ that he put it all into perspective.  To paraphrase, he said that if he were Ian, he’d probably have liked the heads up from Jack prior to us starting our relationship, but now that it was underway, it’s probably better to hear it from me.  Also, he pointed out that I have very little to lose by telling him.  Either he cares and he’s glad I told him, or he doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter I told him.

This made up my mind, so I got on Messenger and started a conversation with Ian.  Here it is for your enjoyment [I’ve removed the superfluous comments and banter]… notice how I “hahaha” and repeat things when I’m slightly nervous…

 Ian says:
*what is /swoon? [my MSN tagline at the time]
Roads says:
*Swoon, well, I’ve started dating someone
Ian says:
*someone called swoon?
Roads says:
*hahaha, no
*He’s a great guy, makes me swoon – hahaha.
*Yeah, his name is Jack, not swoon, and yeah, it’s the one we both know.
Ian says:
*No shit!
Roads says:
*Wasn’t sure how you’d react to that…
Ian says:
*I disapprove. You must end it immediately
Roads says:
*Uh… can you do that?
Ian says:
*Yes, Yes I can.
Roads says:
*Seriously tho… we both had no idea how to handle it
Ian says:
*Na I’m happy for the both of ya.
Roads says:
*It’s been about a month
*We were hanging out as friends for a while
*Things were really clicking.
*So are you going to send him hate mail?
Ian says:
*Maybe, sounds like fun
Roads says:
*Awe, don’t be too hard on him.
*We both didn’t know how to handle it!
*I figured you would be cool…
Ian says:
*Yeah, I can see how you guys might have been worried but it’s all good with me.
Roads says:
*I’m glad 🙂

Seems like he took it pretty well!  Big props to TJ for helping me get my head on straight with this one.

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2 Responses to Breaking the News of a Bro Code Violation

  1. Charlotte says:

    I’m glad he took it so well and I’m also happy with you that you decided to tell him. I recently found out that my ex of six years was dating someone else… by reading about it on Facebook. He didn’t have the decency to tell me himself and that speaks volumes of his character. You did the right thing 🙂

    Hope you’re having a great time and that this guy continues to make you swoon–it’s the best feeling in the world.

  2. EvaRoads says:


    It was a tough call, since I felt (retrospectively) like I got the short end of the stick with this ex. He was always less committed, he didn’t want anything, etc, etc, etc. For a while there I’d lost sight of the fact that didn’t mean that I shouldn’t treat him how I’d like to be treated if I were in his position.

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